In Kaufland nobody can hear you screamLet me take you on a journey to a place so remote that there isn’t even a signpost to it. A place so out-of-the-way, that it is unreachable by car. A place so far from everything, that the only way to get there is on foot. A place so distant from anything else that you wouldn’t know it were there had you not been told of its existence. But when you arrive, you will be so overwhelmingly rewarded that the extensive time spent looking for it will be instantaneously forgotten. No, I am not talking about the Grand Canyon or Stonehenge: for one thing there are enough signposts to the former to almost block it out and there is very little reward when arriving at the latter. I am in fact talking about the fruit juice section at Kaufland supermarket in Konz.
Boy, do they know how to make you work for your reward. You need to trudge a very long way to find the fruit juice section, which is only slightly smaller than the VAT office in Luxembourg. In all honesty, Kaufland is simply a million miles away from anything remotely associated with the average Belgian supermarket. The word “supermarket” in Belgium is a bit misleading. For one thing, it is hardly a market. And it is by no means super. It is more like a cartel of bad quality consumer products giving you a choice of one, and if that happens to be bad or out of stock, well, you’ll just have to wait for the next delivery. In Kaufland, there is everything. You want a barbecue? It’s near the front. You want milk? There is a four-metre-long fridge containing a dozen sorts, all stocked up. You want a satellite dish? It’s on the right just next to the customer services department. Orchids, did you say? They’re next to the fresh yoghurt and the milk, just by the fruit and veg.
THE HORSE PADDOCK
A little salute to Luxembourg
Most people when thinking of Luxembourg either comment on it as a tax haven, a banking paradise and a money launderer’s boudoir. Having spent some time there, I can certainly see this is but an urban myth. It is a triumph of small government over burdensome red tape with added anti-corruption airbags equipped as standard. It is very hard to fool the system there although I am sure some do. But this is not my reason to salute Luxembourg.
I wish to tell you about the most picturesque country in continental Europe. Luxembourg is God’s own country, and probably the reason why a little flat in the middle of nowhere costs 250,000 euro. I understand why: there is no place on earth which has been blessed with such an aesthetic landscape; sanctified with such lush greenness and consecrated with herds of such exquisite cows, all mooing in perfect harmony. The fact is, even the urban areas of Luxembourg are pleasant places. Grevenmacher reminds me of a typical Mediterranean village, bordered by wine groves on steep hillsides, even though it is on the Mosel facing Germany. Roodt sur Syre is a splendid town encircled by hills, forests and farms. The industrial zones near Münsbach and Wasserbillig have an cleanliness about them which makes you want to spend a day cycling over there to see them in more detail.
All-in-all, a marvellous country to live in. Except....
Well, you know that joke where God is asked by the angels why Canada seems to have been granted too many good things by God, and they ask him why, whereby he replies “wait until you see their neighbours”, well that seems to be little Luxembourg’s lot too, although even worse, because the country is overrun by them too, bringing all their bad habits with them. This is one of the reasons why the Luxembourgish language has taken off in a big way recently: they need to keep secrets from the French, who seem to have imposed themselves heavily on the place. Bad driving, sloppy customer service and a hierarchical system only found in the Hexagon are highly prevalent. They even force the language on the people. Where there are a hundred Germans, fifty Brits, twenty Dutch and one French person, the language of Dumas and Descartes will take precedence, in order to, as the official line goes, preserve the French tongue. Rubbish! If there was any danger of French dying out, imagine poor Luxembourgish: a couple of hundred thousand speakers and it still has only semi-official status in its own country.
A little salute to LuxembourgMost people when thinking of Luxembourg either comment on it as a tax haven, a banking paradise and a money launderer’s boudoir. Having spent some time there, I can certainly see this is but an urban myth. It is a triumph of small government over burdensome red tape with added anti-corruption airbags equipped as standard. It is very hard to fool the system there although I am sure some do. But this is not my reason to salute Luxembourg.
I wish to tell you about the most picturesque country in continental Europe. Luxembourg is God’s own country, and probably the reason why a little flat in the middle of nowhere costs 250,000 euro. I understand why: there is no place on earth which has been blessed with such an aesthetic landscape; sanctified with such lush greenness and consecrated with herds of such exquisite cows, all mooing in perfect harmony. The fact is, even the urban areas of Luxembourg are pleasant places. Grevenmacher reminds me of a typical Mediterranean village, bordered by wine groves on steep hillsides, even though it is on the Mosel facing Germany. Roodt sur Syre is a splendid town encircled by hills, forests and farms. The industrial zones near Münsbach and Wasserbillig have an cleanliness about them which makes you want to spend a day cycling over there to see them in more detail.
All-in-all, a marvellous country to live in. Except....
Well, you know that joke where God is asked by the angels why Canada seems to have been granted too many good things by God, and they ask him why, whereby he replies “wait until you see their neighbours”, well that seems to be little Luxembourg’s lot too, although even worse, because the country is overrun by them too, bringing all their bad habits with them. This is one of the reasons why the Luxembourgish language has taken off in a big way recently: they need to keep secrets from the French, who seem to have imposed themselves heavily on the place. Bad driving, sloppy customer service and a hierarchical system only found in the Hexagon are highly prevalent. They even force the language on the people. Where there are a hundred Germans, fifty Brits, twenty Dutch and one French person, the language of Dumas and Descartes will take precedence, in order to, as the official line goes, preserve the French tongue. Rubbish! If there was any danger of French dying out, imagine poor Luxembourgish: a couple of hundred thousand speakers and it still has only semi-official status in its own country.
A RIVER RUNS UNDER MY TERRACE
There be dragons...
Although I live in the most marvellous of places, there are a couple of things which get on my nerves, and following the theme of the previous section, it’s the neighbours too, which are causing great chagrin on this side of the stream flowing past our house. On our farm complex there are nine or ten families, all living in this little corner of paradise amongst the fruit trees, the vineyards, the horses and the forests. The people immediately next door, the Weingut Schmitz-Simon, are prone to holding parties on their property. I wouldn’t mind, considering I lived in Paris, Prague, Moscow and London, but now that there is a smoking ban, people come outside for a puff, end up taking their drinks with them and produce a lot of noise through incessant laughter and loud chatter. Some even keep the doors open so they can listen to the music.
One weekend a camper van with Luxembourg plates pulled up in our parking area and remained overnight, taking up three parking spaces. The next morning the occupiers poked their heads out and announced they had been at the wedding – wasn’t she so sweet in that gown? I hadn’t noticed, because this has nothing to do with next door – oh, said he, whereby he said I should have come and found him. How could I when I didn’t know who or what he was doing in the area. Yes, but the flowers on the wing mirrors, said he, should have made me realise he was with the wedding. To which I replied “yes, but lots of gypsies have flowers on their camper vans”. I think I upset him a bit...
This weekend was the worst of the lot. They not only kept the doors open, but they started group singing at midnight. I witnessed one guy throwing an empty bottle into the river. I told some guy I would call the police if they didn’t calm down and it did some good... for a while. A lot of disco music and empty bottles later, and one of my co-inhabitants went over to complain. It was half past four. No apology ever comes from them, no solution is ever suggested. So I have decided to call them at 2 in the morning to see if they like being disturbed at that hour. I intend to tell them that I will call the police to come round and close their parties down. I will also ask the police to stand guard at the end of the street and breath-test everyone exiting that property: I think they will get a lot of money in fines. Finally I intend bothering them as much as I can, because it is obvious that their only interest is money, to the detriment of the neighbours.
They should also be aware that I am filming them and recording the noise at different times and days. In any case, this lack of neighbourly behaviour is very rare here, and all the other people in the area are so civilised, so practical and so community-minded, that it puts the Schmitz-Simon firm to shame. If anyone is reading this, and they want to book a stay at Schmitz-Simon, may I recommend they look around first, because their wines are at least a euro over the price of other winemakers in the area, and that’s just their take-away produce.
There be dragons...Although I live in the most marvellous of places, there are a couple of things which get on my nerves, and following the theme of the previous section, it’s the neighbours too, which are causing great chagrin on this side of the stream flowing past our house. On our farm complex there are nine or ten families, all living in this little corner of paradise amongst the fruit trees, the vineyards, the horses and the forests. The people immediately next door, the Weingut Schmitz-Simon, are prone to holding parties on their property. I wouldn’t mind, considering I lived in Paris, Prague, Moscow and London, but now that there is a smoking ban, people come outside for a puff, end up taking their drinks with them and produce a lot of noise through incessant laughter and loud chatter. Some even keep the doors open so they can listen to the music.
One weekend a camper van with Luxembourg plates pulled up in our parking area and remained overnight, taking up three parking spaces. The next morning the occupiers poked their heads out and announced they had been at the wedding – wasn’t she so sweet in that gown? I hadn’t noticed, because this has nothing to do with next door – oh, said he, whereby he said I should have come and found him. How could I when I didn’t know who or what he was doing in the area. Yes, but the flowers on the wing mirrors, said he, should have made me realise he was with the wedding. To which I replied “yes, but lots of gypsies have flowers on their camper vans”. I think I upset him a bit...
This weekend was the worst of the lot. They not only kept the doors open, but they started group singing at midnight. I witnessed one guy throwing an empty bottle into the river. I told some guy I would call the police if they didn’t calm down and it did some good... for a while. A lot of disco music and empty bottles later, and one of my co-inhabitants went over to complain. It was half past four. No apology ever comes from them, no solution is ever suggested. So I have decided to call them at 2 in the morning to see if they like being disturbed at that hour. I intend to tell them that I will call the police to come round and close their parties down. I will also ask the police to stand guard at the end of the street and breath-test everyone exiting that property: I think they will get a lot of money in fines. Finally I intend bothering them as much as I can, because it is obvious that their only interest is money, to the detriment of the neighbours.
They should also be aware that I am filming them and recording the noise at different times and days. In any case, this lack of neighbourly behaviour is very rare here, and all the other people in the area are so civilised, so practical and so community-minded, that it puts the Schmitz-Simon firm to shame. If anyone is reading this, and they want to book a stay at Schmitz-Simon, may I recommend they look around first, because their wines are at least a euro over the price of other winemakers in the area, and that’s just their take-away produce.
MY TERRACE
Perfect cycling territory
This year I will not be going to my usual haunts, Venice and Prague, because there is just too much to see and do around here. So I bought a bike. Here are some tips:
TRIER
In the valley of the Mosel, surrounded by forests and streams, lies the oldest city in Germany and a beauty. Roman ruins, a hilltop monument and UNESCO World Heritage sites all over the place, Trier is outstanding. It has a unique atmosphere and an area offering a more enjoyable shopping trip than the average town. One thing I love about Trier is its mix of old and new. Kaufhof sits in the street to the Roman-built Porta Nigra. The open air museum at the site of the Roman ruins has been subtly modernised to make the experience more pleasurable without destroying the ancient structure.
For walking and eating, I can recommend two areas of the city: firstly work up your appetite by taking a walk from the Roman ruins to the embankment and following the path along the side of the river under the trees. When you arrive at the river cruiser area just past the bridge towards the motorway, there is a line of restaurants all offering good, wholesome local food with a smile. If you were to cross the bridge and head up towards the city forest, there is the Gillenbach stream, also a delightful walk. Just in there is also a well-hidden restaurant with an excellent atmosphere and decently priced menu. The other area of the city is the centre itself. Full of all kinds of eateries, it is difficult to choose, but if you are there in winter, go to the Frankenturm restaurant. The produce comes from a butcher in the Hunsrück National Park and it is all freshly delivered.
NITTEL, GREVENMACHER AND WINCHERINGEN
Just a 25-minute ride from Trier is the natural amphitheatre housing the delightful villages of Nittel, Grevenmacher and Wincheringen, with a Mediterranean feeling all of its own. The views are spectacular from any angle and the places to stop off on the way numerous. In fact, this part of the Mosel is without rival. Temmels, Oberbillig, Nennig and Perl are all worth a visit. I recommend cycling – there are cycle paths everywhere and you get really up close to the environment. I suggest stopping off at the Mühlenbach in Nittel, a palatial guesthouse with a tremendous front veranda for eating amongst the pot plants and a cosy back garden for relaxing with a glass of Spätlese and a book.
THE LOWER MOSEL
Bernkastel-Kues, Piesport, Longuich, Traben-Trarbach, Koblenz... So many places to visit. Again, bike is the best way but I could imagine doing it in a convertible MG sports car. Just do a search on these places and you’ll see why they deserve a visit.
THE RHINE VALLEY: KOBLENZ TO BINGEN
This is where I intend spending at least a week of my summer holiday – cycling and boat trips along the UNESCO-listed valley of the Rhine. More castles than villages, more history, more nature and more dramatic scenery than anywhere else I can think of.
SAARBURG TO KONZ
Saarburg: if you like castles on craggy hilltops and villages nestling in perfect harmony with the surrounding nature, this is where you should come. With a delightful waterfall in the centre of town and a cable car to the top of the largest hill, you are going to enjoy yourself whatever. In fact, as I live six minutes away by train, I spend far too little time in this delightful town.
Schoden: a perfectly situated village on the junction of the Saar river bend and the straight Saar canal. In the village you will find some little streets and alleys making you wonder if you had just made it to a Tuscan mountaintop hamlet until you see the German street signs. There is more atmosphere in this little village than in all the villages in Flanders.
Ockfen: find a T-shaped valley, hone it until it curves like a bobsleigh course, put a village at the point the two lines of the T meet with chocolate box houses and that is Ockfen.
Wiltingen: the village where I live is the jewel in the winemakers’ crown. The wine made in this area is some of Germany’s finest. Although the railway line runs straight through the middle of town, there is a certain rural charm about Wiltingen. Rosi’s Weinstube is a good place to sit admiring the valley opposite, or take a walk along the riverbank. The vineyards rising up at the back of the village lead up to the majestic monument at the Galgenberg, a place you can see for miles. I often go up there to watch the birds of prey swoop down upon their victims; to listen to the unmistakable sound of the cuckoo; to catch sight of the reclusive rabbits and the majestic deer, the animal I hold most in esteem. One night I accidentally ran into one, frightening it, and me, almost to the point we both ran off in different directions.
Kanzem: is this the real location for The Wind in the Willows? Set on the most rapid part of the stately Saar, this village has won numerous in-bloom prizes. At the river bank is a pleasant eatery, stocked up with local food. It contains a few streets of the most desirable houses in the region. I wish to retire here!
Konz: although heavily criticised for its nondescript centre and charmless urban features, there are pockets of Konz which are underestimated. Roscheid, straddling the top of the hill, is full of the most imaginative architecture in the region. Every house is different. Further down, the Russian shop Julchen sells some fine Russian food and drink. The town hall square is always full of parents with their kids playing in the fountains and the town hall itself has a wine cellar and restaurant whose terrace occupies the front of the building.
Perfect cycling territoryThis year I will not be going to my usual haunts, Venice and Prague, because there is just too much to see and do around here. So I bought a bike. Here are some tips:
TRIER
In the valley of the Mosel, surrounded by forests and streams, lies the oldest city in Germany and a beauty. Roman ruins, a hilltop monument and UNESCO World Heritage sites all over the place, Trier is outstanding. It has a unique atmosphere and an area offering a more enjoyable shopping trip than the average town. One thing I love about Trier is its mix of old and new. Kaufhof sits in the street to the Roman-built Porta Nigra. The open air museum at the site of the Roman ruins has been subtly modernised to make the experience more pleasurable without destroying the ancient structure.
For walking and eating, I can recommend two areas of the city: firstly work up your appetite by taking a walk from the Roman ruins to the embankment and following the path along the side of the river under the trees. When you arrive at the river cruiser area just past the bridge towards the motorway, there is a line of restaurants all offering good, wholesome local food with a smile. If you were to cross the bridge and head up towards the city forest, there is the Gillenbach stream, also a delightful walk. Just in there is also a well-hidden restaurant with an excellent atmosphere and decently priced menu. The other area of the city is the centre itself. Full of all kinds of eateries, it is difficult to choose, but if you are there in winter, go to the Frankenturm restaurant. The produce comes from a butcher in the Hunsrück National Park and it is all freshly delivered.
NITTEL, GREVENMACHER AND WINCHERINGEN
Just a 25-minute ride from Trier is the natural amphitheatre housing the delightful villages of Nittel, Grevenmacher and Wincheringen, with a Mediterranean feeling all of its own. The views are spectacular from any angle and the places to stop off on the way numerous. In fact, this part of the Mosel is without rival. Temmels, Oberbillig, Nennig and Perl are all worth a visit. I recommend cycling – there are cycle paths everywhere and you get really up close to the environment. I suggest stopping off at the Mühlenbach in Nittel, a palatial guesthouse with a tremendous front veranda for eating amongst the pot plants and a cosy back garden for relaxing with a glass of Spätlese and a book.
THE LOWER MOSEL
Bernkastel-Kues, Piesport, Longuich, Traben-Trarbach, Koblenz... So many places to visit. Again, bike is the best way but I could imagine doing it in a convertible MG sports car. Just do a search on these places and you’ll see why they deserve a visit.
THE RHINE VALLEY: KOBLENZ TO BINGEN
This is where I intend spending at least a week of my summer holiday – cycling and boat trips along the UNESCO-listed valley of the Rhine. More castles than villages, more history, more nature and more dramatic scenery than anywhere else I can think of.
SAARBURG TO KONZ
Saarburg: if you like castles on craggy hilltops and villages nestling in perfect harmony with the surrounding nature, this is where you should come. With a delightful waterfall in the centre of town and a cable car to the top of the largest hill, you are going to enjoy yourself whatever. In fact, as I live six minutes away by train, I spend far too little time in this delightful town.
Schoden: a perfectly situated village on the junction of the Saar river bend and the straight Saar canal. In the village you will find some little streets and alleys making you wonder if you had just made it to a Tuscan mountaintop hamlet until you see the German street signs. There is more atmosphere in this little village than in all the villages in Flanders.
Ockfen: find a T-shaped valley, hone it until it curves like a bobsleigh course, put a village at the point the two lines of the T meet with chocolate box houses and that is Ockfen.
Wiltingen: the village where I live is the jewel in the winemakers’ crown. The wine made in this area is some of Germany’s finest. Although the railway line runs straight through the middle of town, there is a certain rural charm about Wiltingen. Rosi’s Weinstube is a good place to sit admiring the valley opposite, or take a walk along the riverbank. The vineyards rising up at the back of the village lead up to the majestic monument at the Galgenberg, a place you can see for miles. I often go up there to watch the birds of prey swoop down upon their victims; to listen to the unmistakable sound of the cuckoo; to catch sight of the reclusive rabbits and the majestic deer, the animal I hold most in esteem. One night I accidentally ran into one, frightening it, and me, almost to the point we both ran off in different directions.
Kanzem: is this the real location for The Wind in the Willows? Set on the most rapid part of the stately Saar, this village has won numerous in-bloom prizes. At the river bank is a pleasant eatery, stocked up with local food. It contains a few streets of the most desirable houses in the region. I wish to retire here!
Konz: although heavily criticised for its nondescript centre and charmless urban features, there are pockets of Konz which are underestimated. Roscheid, straddling the top of the hill, is full of the most imaginative architecture in the region. Every house is different. Further down, the Russian shop Julchen sells some fine Russian food and drink. The town hall square is always full of parents with their kids playing in the fountains and the town hall itself has a wine cellar and restaurant whose terrace occupies the front of the building.
THE SUNSET OVER OUR VALLEY
