Who exactly are the victims here?

It's strange how life works out.

We go through periods of misery, panic, poverty, grief or self-doubt, but as long as you have a strong head and thick skin, you can pass through the other side with ease and confidence. In my job, I also act as some kind of "therapist" for others and I've had to deal with some tough situations.

IS IT WORTH IT?
One of the hardest was being the first person at the bedside of someone who had attempted suicide. Having been called by a member of his family who was in another town, I dropped everything and got to the hospital within fifteen minutes. On the way, several emotions occurred - I was in a fit of panic that he would die alone; I was terrified about what state I would find him in and how it would affect his future physical health, but most of all I was devastated that he had taken this avenue to escape his demons.

I don't know anything so grizzly that it is worth contemplating the ultimate act.

He had been dropped by his girlfriend and as a person who gets attached easily he had decided to press his own self-destruct button. When I arrived he was attached to all kinds of tubes, wires and monitors. His heart rate was weak and his colour could only be described as grey. I feared the worse. The doctor arrived and told me to talk to him and I asked why. He explained that the tests had come through that he had taken sleeping pills but having rejected most of them he was simply in a deep sleep. I was so damned angry that he had used this method to find a solution that the only thing I could think of to say was that I hoped he did wake up so I could knock him all round the hospital grounds.

A very short while later his mother walked in in a blind panic and I quickly informed her of the situation. She sat holding his hand and talking about the episode. This was her son and there must be nothing worse than outliving your offspring unless you survive to an abnormally old age. Even then. So it was with great relief that we witnessed the first movement of his arms and head - until that moment he had been snoring like a lion...

A good few hours later he made some eye-opening gesture and his first words were "oh no", which we took to be a sign that he was still depressed and was unhappy to be alive. How can anyone be unhappy to be alive?! In any case, he spent a short week in there and we came to pick him up. We took his things and went to the centre for a celebratory meal. It was a really happy occasion although emotional nonetheless.

The question I need to ask here is, how do people get into such a state? Do they spent too long thinking? Do they just not understand that we only get one chance at this, and they think they'll be reborn if they die? Since then he has become more fatalistic in life and is a lot happier in himself. In a strange way, it was a gruesome privilege to be involved in that incident and it certainly made all of us several years more mature in the experience.
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THE GREEN EYED MONSTER
Another incident in my life which occurred recently was a student confided in me that one of her colleagues had started bullying her. It didn't stop there - her colleague had also lost her ability to handle her emotions in the same office as her. She would be all goodness and light and suddenly get nasty. One time she even got the attention of the entire department, including her boss, and showed them all a mistake my student had made. Probably the only one. At the very same time she blamed her for the recent downturn in fortunes in the department. Her colleague had for weeks been "advertising" her good work by doing "extra activities", like reserving car parking spaces for her bosses, getting lunch for everyone and running around looking busy. She had then started comparing herself to my student through defaming hints and comments. Fortunately their head of department could spot a potential maniac from a kilometre away and gave her a good lesson in dignity.

My student told me that as a well-respected and almost indispensible member of the department, her colleague had become jealous of her to the point of obsession. In their private moments, she had told her colleague all sorts of secrets, not knowing that she would hold them against her later. We were quite shocked that this sort of behaviour could go on between adults. Then again, we realised that none of us can be safe from certain individuals and it is just a matter of keeping your head held high, backing out of potentially volatile scenarios, but most of all, not letting them win. According to De Standaard a while ago, this type of person gets angrier when one of four things occurs:

1. The victim has a better life, family or job than the perpetrator
2. The victim is more capable, calmer or better organised than the perpetrator
3. The victim has more allies, friends or contacts than the perpetrator
4. The victim doesn't get upset by the perpetrator's devious actions

A person not content with his/her life will show certain signs too:
1. They don't take so much care of their appearance or body weight
2. They don't do much in their spare time, and have few or no hobbies
3. They don't display signs of familiarity or even affection to their nearest and dearest
4. They can be extremely materialistic to make up for their misery: bigger car, house extension, grander holidays, even going as far as buying expensive pets!

I told her that experiences within my own family proved that this seemed like a pretty accurate assumption. I made one mistake when it occurred in my family - I went to apologise (to make the peace, goodness knows why!) when I really should have just walked away with my head high while I could. Still, there won't be a next time because I decided recently not to maintain contact with this part of my family. I just found it to be a shame that people become so undignified when jealous. They also try to drag those with self respect down with them - I guess that's how they try and hide it.
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A final example of how extreme people can be took place last year when one of my students was unhappy at failing the end-of-semester examination. Well, "unhappy" is not the word: hysterical seems like the better description... In order to get a promotion, those who pass through our classes need to attain a certain level in another language, in many cases English. She had been in class a lot, but had showed signs of panic in class when it was her time to speak. She had also not really worked very hard on her theory and had an awful accent. Needless to say, I knew she was going to fail from quite early on, but I still maintained hope that she would at least do as well as she could.

When the exam took place, she failed abysmally.

Of course, it was all my fault according to her! I had not done this and not done that, despite her being the only failure in the class. In fact, it was more serious than that - she actually lost her job! I received phone calls and emails from her that I had ruined her life. She even came to my workplace one day and told all my students that I was responsible for her demise. I quietly took her to one side, showed her the statistics of the rest of her group in that period, and laid the facts bare in front of her. She looked through them and suddenly turned a shade of red. After several profuse apologies she went back into the class and told them that she had made a terrible mistake. She got another job in a different area and is doing much better now.

If we look at these three scenarios, we wonder who is the victim really. For me in the first one, there is no other than the parents. No parent should have to face such a situation. In the second it is more unclear. If someone has trouble keeping anger under control, it is time to seek a therapist and look more closely at what makes you happy. In the last, it is also unclear, but for me anyone who puts such an unbearable amount of pressure on herself needs to take care.

What the average European is thinking - a translation

Europeans are becoming noticeably more receptive to all kinds of strange behaviour as though it is perfectly normal. They are being sanitised and uncontroversialised, making them reactive - but not proactive - when faced with idiots, thugs, snobs, hardline bosses, hard-selling advertising companies, draconian government legislation and even fashion and trends. They are being indoctrinated that it is not their place to make a scene, fight back, stand up for their rights, just say "no" or even complain to the right person.

I therefore wanted to provide you with a small translation of some of the things people say - what they think is in italic:

Boss: Would you mind spending a few more hours at work to finish off this important task? I'll then have a few more hours at the golf course
Slaveworker: Not at all. I am a replaceable commodity now so I should stay even though I'll have to cancel my free evening without the kids and pay from my own pocket to keep the babysitter there. Free time is not my place.

A group of hooligans get on the bus, playing loud music from a stereo and have a mock fight on the back seats, disrupting the other passengers.
Decent passenger 1: Let's just carry on as normal. Smile at them even, so they don't attack me. I'm afraid of them, but it's not my place to confront them.
Decent passenger 2: Don't even look at them. I'd love to knock their heads together but I daren't because it's not my place.
Decent passenger 1: I wonder what the parents did so wrong. I'd never let my boys get like that. They go out on Fridays, come back drunk early on Monday morning, but they've never been in trouble with the police.
Decent passenger 2: Your boys are really nice. Who is she kidding? They're going places. Yep, the places where the alcohol is cheap. They'd never mix with this group of losers. No, because they're more civilised than yours, but I daren't say anything because it's not my place.
Decent passenger 1: You would tell me if you knew something, wouldn't you? She knows something.
Decent passenger 2: Yes, yes. It's not my place.

TV news reporter: The government has just imposed a law forbidding citizens from walking on the left side of the pavement, resulting in a 20 euro fine if caught.
Average European viewer: That's terrible. I'm going to protest. No I'm not, because I'll have to miss a day off work. And I might go on a black list. No, it's not my place.

TV talent competition presenter: Please vote for the one you want to hear singing next week on the show and if there are enough of you gormless starstruck individuals, I can get a big fat bonus and get out of this sad place and get a real TV job!
Average European viewer: Number 5, Xandra Xadbitsch gets my vote! I don't know why I do this because it's rather sad but otherwise I'll look stupid in front of my friends if I tell them I didn't vote. And for a euro fifty - terrible price! But I'll not make a fus, it's not my place.

Street salesperson: Would you like to buy this totally useless piece of junk fluffy toy for all the poor children in the mental home for my boss's garage extension?
Average European shopper: I don't have any change. I don't really want it.
Street salesperson: Don't worry, I have change of fifty. Just don't ask how I got it selling fluffy toys.
Average European shopper: Oh that's OK then. Damn, fooled again! But I daren't say no, because I don't like to be unpopular. It's not my place.

A person drops litter on the street not too far from a rubbish bin.
Average European 1: Disgraceful! Did you see that? I'd like to tell them to pick it up.
Average European 2: Yes, right next to the bin. I'd also like to tell them to pick it up.
Average European 1: I'll tell them to pick it up.
Average European 2: No don't, it's not our place!

In all of these scenarios, we'd like to do or say something. But nobody dares. Because they think it's not their place. Or they don't feel empowered enough. Or they're worried nobody would support them if things turned nasty. This is how far we've come. The greatest civilisation on the planet, the most civil rights, the most freedom, the most equitable laws, and yet we are allowing the violent, the more influential, the louder, the richer, the less principled, to run amok. These groups and individuals from the dark side of society are ruining it for the rest of us. And governments find cheap, short-term remedies without heading for the preventative measures which start at basic school, at home and at the Annual General Meeting to tackle the disintegration of society.

People moan at the lack of manners shown by some young people but they don't do anything to sort it out. They're too scared. So when I took on a group of thugs last month making noise on a tram and drinking cheap alcohol, I ended up as the bad guy. "They're just young people enjoying themselves" said one fellow passenger. Others seemed to agree. With an attitude like that, I'd hate to think what the children of tomorrow are going to be like. Except this evening, when I got a compliment from the tram driver for removing a bottle of cheap alcohol from a 16-year-old and threw it, and him, from the tram, after he and his friends started pouring it over each other.

People hate heartless bosses, they don't want to upset them. To the extent that they'll drop their principles, keep quiet and not look up from the computer. So when one particularly nasty head of unit from another service but same building recently accused me of an unspeakable act of political sacrilege, instead of fearfully admitting it and getting the boot, I looked him square in the eye and accused him of corruption. He has recently retired - strangely enough at roughly the same time as a scandal encircled his department. He was not even suspected, but I'm sure he's up to his bald, flat head in it. I left the department that same week and now have a much nicer place to work.

Why do people conform? Why are they afraid of standing out from the crowd? Why do people allow louder, more assertive individuals to walk all over them? Because we're all unsure of support. And if others aren't doing it, why should we?

So I say, stand up to the tyrants, don't be bullied. Don't sit there and complain. Even if you're afraid of repercussions, take some anonymous action! Don't just complain and be done with it, make your voice count!

If you know someone who is corrupt, report them. If you experience disruption on public transport, write to the transport company or ombudsman. If someone is rude to you, tell them. If we do this collectively, our voices will be heard. I'm sure that little shyster playing the loud music on the bus whose speakers you rip off and throw on the floor will think twice before doing it again. Re-educate people before it becomes the norm.