So, what are we going to do about the refugee crisis?

It is Europe's fault. As clear as crystal, it is our fault. When Africa and the Middle East were decolonised back in the post-war period, many previous occupiers just upped sticks and moved back to their capitals, leaving those behind to fend for themselves. They did not leave sufficient depth in the remnant institutions for those countries to maintain the relative peace and unity of the colonial days. Let us be honest here, what I mean is people did not fight each other under occupation as they had their foreign lords and masters as a common enemy. British colonies faired the best, with the majority of them being bequeathed the institutions and laws which have turned them into fairly successful countries in their own ways (barring a few abysmal failures), but it does not mean at all that they are exonerated. Most colonisers more or less lowered their flags, played the bugle and scuttled off home again, the only real leftovers being the languages inherited from their previous overseers.

The West's guilt
What these powers also did was divide up the Middle East and Africa in such a way that there were no real ethnic or religious boundaries, and for a reason: the French and British were worried about Arab unity. If the Arabs were able to unite under only a few leaders, they might become powerful and ultimately dangerous to European dominance. Look at India today. The Sykes-Picot deal made the area so unrealistically divided, bringing in kings, sheiks, presidents and dictators to rule the area, often being replaced when they had outrun their use, that it would keep them busily at each other's throats for decades to come. They needn't have worried so much - sectarian skirmishes and various long-lived grudges didn't take long to appear. And so the plan worked enormously well. Even when the region tried to unite under the umbrella of the United Arab Republic, a kind of EU-prototype conjoining of Ba'athist regional powers Syria and Egypt, it did not last long when one of the two member states underwent a coup d'état. Iraq was also hoping to join this group, and if it had, the momentum may have swung other regional powers behind the union, so chances are high the Syrian coup d'état was the brainchild of someone sitting uneasily in the Elysée Palace or Number 10, who did not want a successful Arab bloc at the end of the Mediterranean.

So it was all going to plan for the former colonial powers until the 1980s, when dictators like Saddam Hussein and Colonel Gaddafi started to get too big for their boots, wanting more firepower and weaponry to inflict the latest atrocity on their huddled masses and threatening the West with all sorts of vengeful actions. The Lockerbie disaster and the invasion of Kuwait were two of those actions. I remember, during the retaking of Kuwait by the West and the Allies' subsequent march into Iraq, they didn't finish the job off. They didn't remove Saddam from power. That may be because American intelligence under Bush Senior knew that Saddam Hussein was still the right man for the job in Iraq. He was holding the various loose pieces of fabric together and keeping a firm lid on any uprisings. This was perhaps the smartest move of the last hundred years. The smartest move of a lot of very reckless ones, but a smart one nonetheless.

The most reckless action of the last thousand years (or more) took place on the watch of America's most undeserving president, George W. Bush, and Britain's messianic Prime Minister, Tony Blair. Under the pretext of weapons of mass destruction, and in the aftermath of the semi-apocalyptic destruction of two towers in New York by an extraordinarily wily and ostentatiously rich Arab psychopath with a bone to pick, these two decided to send in the heavies to "clear up" the Middle East. Now... although a lot of us were fooled by the idea that Saddam was an awful dictator who needed removing before he murdered all the minorities, we did not expect that Bush and Blair would totally fudge the entire change of regime. If they really wanted to bring in democracy, they had to realise what they were letting go of. Decades of relative calm held in place by the threat of brutal retaliation by the leader, the sectarian powder keg that was Mesopotamia was firmly sealed by Saddam Hussein, and his removal was going to open it all up.

Reasons for leaving
And it did. But not only that, it brought out all the other dissatisfied wretches and rejects from every other part of the world. It gave the Jihadis a place to really get their act together and begin the reconquering of the world. The Jihadis of Islamic State are not there to just retake what territory they lost, they are there to humiliate and ultimately bring down the governments of the West. And where better to start than right on their doorsteps? The twisted ideology, self-publicity and money-raising capabilities of these warmongers are nothing short of genial. Recruiting the frustrated, the lonely, the talented oddballs, the pious and the rejected, they tell their targets about the wonderful life they could have in the new Islamic State. They tell about the feeling of superiority these outcasts will have, and the responsibilities they will be given.

Imagine being given the power of life and death over whole towns. Imagine a country like Syria, which despite the brutal dictator, had a pretty good quality of life and a high standard of education, falling apart due to sponsored destabilisation by rich madmen and other regional rivals, and then taken over by the worst kind of warrior. Let us not forget, despite the atrocities carried out by the previous regimes in Iraq, Syria and Libya and all the other dictatorships in the region, if not the world, most people still stayed in the area, even if it was under threat of gassing or midnight removals. Nothing as brutal, savage and inhuman as Islamic State ever happened under the other dictators that caused such mass panic and the fleeing of hundreds of thousands of people to Europe. Imagine, having been a well-to-do middle-class Syrian five years ago, being told your mother has been tortured, your wife abducted, your daughter gang-raped and your son executed. Imagine being the neighbour of that family, as yet unscathed. Wouldn't you pack up and get out of there as quickly as you could? Wouldn't you, right now, be either on a Greek island, at Keleti railway station in Budapest, or scrambling over the Austrian border on your way to a place where you would be given a bed, some food and a new life?

What is worse, we in the West sold the previous incumbents the hardware to be able to carry out these crimes on their people - or at least we sold the hardware to the side our governments supported at the time. Not only the West - Russia and China are most probably in it up to their midriffs too. So when the little guys started fighting back, our governments chose a side and supplied more weapons to them. It was not uncommon for them to change sides, depending what they could get out of it all - fuel, minerals, lucrative contracts - nothing was governed by principles of fairness or justice. The Taliban was, at one time, an ally. There are many reasons why we in the West are now reaping what we sowed, and this is the final repayment of the Karma debt: what we failed to do back then to alleviate their transition to independence and the subsequent brutalities which led to the necessary intervention of the West (again) have led us so far that we have unwittingly created the diabolical cults of Jihadism and Islamist violence. This is the result of our short-termism and complacency.

Blood on our hands
And this has been the case from Eritrea to Erbil, Somalia to San'a, Palestine to Peshawar and Casablanca to Kandahar. We are guilty of great human suffering, even if by proxy, even if 50 years may have passed since we lowered our flags. What we should have done at the end of our empires was to integrate those countries into the world economy by setting up trade talks with international organisations. We should have split the countries up more logically rather than flippantly drawing ridiculous borders after liquid lunches which ended up with names like Winston's Hiccup. We should have let them form their own alliances and not stepped in when things got a little tricky. If we wanted to keep them busy, we should have made it clear from the start that we wanted to be their commercial sponsors and patrons and given them skills and trades. We should not have just let them get angry about everything. And don't get me started on Israel. Good idea in theory, but in practice, we should have been more insistent about Palestine and guarding the inhabitants who were already there. And the playing of the anti-Semitism card, getting easily offended by sometimes very trivial things like the recent palaver over the water showers at Auschwitz every time something does not go their way is wearing very thin.

So all these power-flaunting irritations of varying sizes have morphed into a giant middle finger to the Arab world. And in turn, as we have the stability and the power, we are both their enemy and their role model. Their bully and their refuge. Their bomber and their saviour. It is a strange situation to be in. And right now, having invaded Libya on a whim, having deposed Saddam in a little over a fortnight, having spent years in Afghanistan, having overpowered so many brutal dictators, we get cold feet at the very moment when we actually should do something about it. We are creating haters here in Europe due to our lack of a clear strategy and making it seem like our governments don't care. But there is a clear strategy: Russia is a very powerful player in Assad's Syria. The Russians have a fleet based on the Syrian coast courtesy of Assad. Recent pictures show that area to be totally at ease and peaceful. I am quite sure the West had been waiting for IS to overrun Assad all the way to the coast, therefore forcing Russia out of the picture, before stepping in, but now that looks unlikely. So there have been rumblings in France and Britain about sending in more military firepower. The West's distaste in confronting Russia is at least a sign it has thought about a strategy, even though it seems very likely Assad is now entrenched. The optimistic, dare I say unrealistic, plan to force Assad out through a six-month "transition period" is post-colonialist daydreaming, to say the least.

Misleading facts and figures
This is the fact about the Syrian refugee crisis: there were about 20 million people living in Syria before the troubles. Over half of them, about 12 million, have in some form or another been displaced. The vast majority of those, about 8 million, have fled to safer parts of Syria and about 4 million to neighbouring countries like Lebanon and Jordan. Only 250,000 have tried to get into the EU, but more are coming all the time. There are also great numbers of people coming from Afghanistan, Eritrea and Sub-Saharan Africa. The number of people displaced is an appalling humanitarian catastrophe and a very dark period in our history. The total number of people trying to reach European shores is unknown, but they are coming for a reason.

And here is where we need to take an honest step back: not everyone coming to Europe is doing it because their lives are threatened. Many are coming for economic purposes. There are also a number of rumours that are sweeping conspiracy theorist websites everywhere: that there are lots of Jihadists in amongst them, especially since IS warned they would send hundreds of thousands of "soldiers" to Europe back in February. The theories are not stupid and it is not wrong to be worried about this being the case. It is entirely feasible. Think about it: if the price of transport to Kos, Pantelleria or Sicily costs between one year's salary and five years' salary for one of those refugees, imagine how much a family would have to pay to get across the sea. Who is paying for them? The theory goes that some rich Sheiks are paying the traffickers to send hundreds of thousands of Muslims to Europe to dilute the secular population and flood Europe with Muslims. Again, another plausible theory, but not one I have yet chosen to believe.

Right-wing threat
What seems to be threatening to occur now, unless more people are mobilised to intervene and prevent civil unrest, is the following: the Hungarians and the British, with their fence-building and detaining of refugees at Röszke and Calais for no good reason, are no better than each other, and are giving Europe a bad name amongst those fleeing violence. Intimidation, corralling, delaying the process of registration and integration, these are all making new enemies of Europe. Showing pictures of rubbish strewn on footpaths as if it's something new; people rushing police;  people being tripped up in order to get a shot of an angry Arab; these all add to the fuel of hatred being spewed by Europe's many right-wing leaders, like Nigel Farage, Filip de Winter, Marine Le Pen, and Viktor Orban. If we don't properly welcome these moderate, fairly secular Syrians arriving at our frontiers, we risk embittering already desperate people who just want peace.

Furthermore, we seem to have let the right-wing media and politicians tell us these people are just troublemakers in disguise. I have a different theory. These are very, very different people indeed. I know lots of north Africans and Middle-Eastern people from my time living in Belgium. I also know many from when I was in London. They fall mainly into two categories: very well brought up, courteous, thankful, respectful, fully integrated and well-grounded (often much more so than their autochthonous European counterparts); or frustrated, lonely, badly-integrated, vulnerable, impressionable and looking around for a friend. And it is these people who need saving. It is indeed these people that I can relate to and identify, because a similar thing happened to me, although not in a religious context, I hasten to add. If I had been promised friendship, camaraderie and support, I would have given the same back. If I had been told angry stories of mistreatment and insult, I would maybe have wanted revenge for my new friends. It is a very easy hole to fall into, and understanding that these new arrivals are more like us on a human level than we have been led to believe is one thing that scares the right-wing media. So what we need to do is welcome these people immediately, and fast-track them into work and an autonomous life so that they feel part of us as soon as possible. They are, after all, smartphone-using, mostly well-educated, well-behaved people who, like their counterparts of 70 years ago, are looking to escape persecution.

There is hope
And that seems to be happening. Angela Merkel, at least, has played a significant role in alleviating the impact of so many arrivals by firstly spreading the word that people must be tolerant, helpful and welcoming, causing the refugees to make Germany their top destination. And this is currently the case. It is gratifying to see that the German government is making a real effort and taking the lead in showing respect, trust, and a level of humanity these arrivals have not experienced. Many of these people will never go home again. But once the war is over and the cancer of terrorism has been purged, some may choose to return to their ancestral lands. But first, it is necessary to clear the place up.

How? How do you deal with the embodiment of evil that is Islamic State, and how do you persuade people to return to places that have seen such grotesque acts of barbarity and especially to move back into properties that were usurped by other people in the meantime? There is a precedent for this, and that is the Second World War. All sorts of people who were displaced by it, whether Poles, Jews, Belgians, Russians or Germans, the bombs rained down, the mass executions took place, the persecutions carried on, the atrocities widespread. There are still scars of history in places that will forever keep their air of sadness: Auschwitz, Theresienstadt, parts of Warsaw, Bergen-Belsen, Katyn or Dresden in the Second World War are some of those places. In more recent times we can look to Srebrenica, Kigali or the World Trade Centre. All have been places of the most atrocious of crimes, resulting in the needless deaths of hundreds of thousands of people, and despite the abominations that took place there, people have still returned, even if many wounds have yet to heal.

I do believe that once the Jihadis of Islamic State and other nefarious organisations have been eradicated, people will once again return to their lands. Not all, but many. In the meantime, the West had better start dropping its proclivities of setting up puppet democracies and learn to tolerate the relative safety and calm brought about by strong dictators. It had also better give the various ethnic groups the chance to run their own lands, not least the Kurds. The Turks will protest long and hard, but the Kurds need to be treated as equals. Once all of these things have been achieved, it is time the West grew up and left that area to deal with itself.

Bye Bye Belgium

I have had to make a very difficult decision these last months. I have become less and less at ease with the country I live in. So for that reason, I have decided to leave Belgium on 15th April. There are a number of reasons, the main one being that I am being priced out of it.

On a recent trip to the UK, I also realised Belgium is not alone in its high property prices, but at least in the UK there are other ways of paying off larger mortgages. In Belgium you just have to make do with what you're given, which in many cases is a well-decorated garage; a place where you store yourself and your possessions; a sort of Menschenschrank. Well I don't really feel like that to be honest. I also do not believe in paying vast amounts of money to an overburdened and - dare I say unfair - welfare system which promotes unemployment and discourages people from seeking further than their "qualifications" will allow.

There is little or no proper infrastructure (it reminds me of the provincial architecture in the old Soviet Union in a town like Kaluga, Tula or Kazan) due to there being no university qualifications for town planner in Belgium. It is the local community politicians who decide what goes where, so you can find all kinds of "interesting" (in the Chinese sense) tram lines where one community doesn't allow them to pass through. Result? Lines which go nowhere. At least they get you nowhere fast. This lack of interest in having town planners also meant that when the politicians finally came around to designating green belt land and the like, nearly all of Flanders had been built on already. Walking through northern Belgium you can rarely find a place to feel utterly alone. This may explain why Flemish people are so uncommunicative - they have nowhere to go.
Let us dissect, little by little, what exactly the problem is with Belgium. I have done it in civil servant bureaucratic style to make it easier for any Belgians who may be reading this. The rest may need to read this two or three times:

1. WORK ETHICS
1.A. The mentality
In Belgium, when applying effort or imagination into work and explaining it mathematically, 2 + 2 = 3.6 and no more. This means nothing is ever done to its conclusion, lest it be seen as an invitation to be given more work.

For that reason, if you try to get ahead like you were taught to in your home country you will:
a. be taxed more heavily for it
b. be told that it will not be possible as a crucial part of your initiative will not be completed until the following year/month/season (delete as appropriate)
c. find that a law was passed while parts a. and b. were going on which makes your project either i) illegal or
ii) in need of some rigorous changes

SOLUTION:
Send all Belgians on a month-long training course with Polish people, where they will see how a proper entrepreneur works. They will learn that
a. Having a pain in the eyebrow is NOT an excuse for not going to work;
b. Charging 200 euro to fix a leaking tap is unacceptable;
c. They are not more important than everyone else;
d. It is necessary REMOVE THE POLITICIANS who caused this in the first place!

1.B. The cost of slow service
Considering the mathematical formula above, it makes it very important to look at workspeed - or lack of it. When going into a shop, for example to buy shoes, there will be only one person, maybe two if it is a Saturday, running the whole place - putting the shoes out, giving advice, stocking, working the checkout. Simply because it costs too much to take on staff in Belgium. Large enterprises are OK, but it is the small and medium enterprises which suffer. Belgium is already in an unemployment crisis. Charging small and medium enterprises over double the employee's net salary is not going to bring more people back to work.


SOLUTIONS:
a. It is remarkable that nobody has noticed. REDUCE EMPLOYMENT TAXES FOR SMEs, STUPID!
b. And while you're at it, REMOVE THE POLITICIANS!

1.C. Helpdesk or No-help-desk?
When you require some technical assistance in Germany or the UK for example, you call up the desk and they do everything physically possible to put the problem right. So you sit in a queue for a while - there are 60 million people in the UK, 25 million more in Germany - big deal. In Belgium if you are not in possession of all of your faculties, you may find your life here intolerable. You need to realise that you bought their product, therefore they fundamentally still own that product. Therefore they believe they own you too.

Having a contract with one of Belgium's leading (or should I say, one of Belgium's only) mobile phone companies should mean that you get the same privileges enjoyed in all countries in the EU. Nope, sorry. You need to buy your phone for its cost price in Belgium, because - and here's the punchline - it's anti-competition. Well if it wasn't so damn sad, it would be hilarious. And on top of that your phone is not locked to the SIM card, meaning if it gets stolen, there's no way of stopping the thieves from using the phone again unless you know the unique code of your phone. They just remove your SIM card and re-sell your phone in another place.

It wouldn't be anti-competition, in fact it would be pro-competition, if they gave you a choice, but that's not the Belgian way. It's all laid on for you. Nobody is allowed to use their imagination to such an extent. Let's not forget that this is the land where autism is an art form, not a sickness.

And the postal system leads the way in the race. Two examples:

One of my neighbours bought the terraced house directly attached to his about 20 years ago. The number on his house, 24, also counts for 26, which after all these years, has become amalgamated with his. There is only one post box and his name, and that of his wife, are both written clearly above the post box. Despite this, several letters, including some important bills, were re-routed back to the post office sorting office as the post deliverer couldn't find the number of the house and didn't take the names on the door into consideration. I saw him yesterday morning painting numbers on his house. In red, just in case.

An Australian friend coming to live in Belgium from China asked for her boxes to be delivered to my place as she had no address yet. The post deliverer asked me for an extra 140 euro for delivering them to my house, despite there being no toll to pay. I called the post office and told them to re-route the boxes to her new address, but to call 10 minutes before arrival, as she had no bell and she would be waiting outside by the time the deliverer arrived. The boxes never came and we received a letter telling us they had been sent back to China as nobody claimed them. I called to complain and I was called a liar and a charlatan by the guy on the other end, who refused to believe that I had called three times to tell the post what to do with the boxes. The person in question is trying to sue the postal service, but her lawyer, rather optimistic for a Belgian, said she should give up all hope. She has paid 600 euro extra for the non-delivery and the post refuses to acknowledge any mistake.

Easy money in a land of monopolies.

I had a problem with payment of my internet bill once (who am I kidding? I have this problem EVERY month!), because I am paid not on the first but about the 10th of the month. When I call to tell them, the job-student on the line says it is unacceptable and I am told I would receive a nasty reminder. I often have to pay small fines because the service provider puts the debit through too early, even though I have constantly told them I am paid later. I suppose it is their way of earning more money.

Nobody can do anything here, you see, because Belgium is still a land of monopolies. They are in control. They are a lot richer than you, they have more than one lawyer and would rather spend hundreds of thousands of euro on recuping unpaid debts rather than asking the question of themselves, "are we being fair to the customer?" In Belgium, there are no investigative TV programmes, there are very few rather weak, amateurish customer protection organisations but it takes ages to get anything done, by which time you're sitting in debt up to the second floor of your house.

1.D. Qualifications count for very little but don't tell them that...
One thing the Belgians are able to tell you is what they are qualified to do. You can find Belgians qualified in Physics who are working as admin staff. You can find Belgians qualified in logistics who are shifting furniture. In Belgium, most people have a job far below their qualifications. The job system works differently to other countries in that many people are unemployed because the employment offices are run by highly qualified, yet demotivated civil servants who aren't really able to work the software and in any case, theirs is a job for life so why should they do too much? They get about a week's training in PeopleSoft and the rest they do on their own. That is, if the office has the software yet...

Furthermore, there are real problems concerning qualifications for independent workers. In the UK, I know people who work constructing gardens, building pools, lakes and ponds, knowing which plants go where, setting the ground even, etc... Anyone can do work like plumbing, gardening, landscaping or decorating if they are properly shown the techniques and given long enough to learn the trade as an apprentice. But these people, who have built their own houses and have a flair for this type of thing despite leaving school as early as 16, would not be accepted in Belgium. My cousin earned £10 million in one year working on the Stock Exchange despite leaving school at 15. Qualifications mean nothing if you are good enough.

When I went to the Chamber of Commerce in Leuven to fill in my details in 2001 and open my business, I filled in the codes for the jobs I wished to do: translation, interpretation, language training and photography. The CoC wrote back and told me I couldn't put in photography because I didn't have a qualification in it. I only wanted to have a couple of exhibitions a year and earn some extra cash, but they said that was impossible.

And an even more extreme case:
A friend of a friend, who used to work for L'Oréal in Paris as their on-site hairdresser for the models for ten years decided to open up a hairdressing salon in Brussels. He was refused because he didn't have the right qualifications!!!! So he took his business to Budapest, where they didn't mind too much. So would I. Anyone see a link between Belgium and unemployment?

Belgians seem not to understand that just because you're qualified, it doesn't mean you're any good. Indeed, in my experience, those language trainers I have come into contact with who have no qualifications in the field are more enthusiastic than those who have them. Main reason? Those with qualifications are generally more complacent and feel less of a need to work for their title, as they feel they have earned it. Therefore the non-qualified are more passionate about it. Don't tell that to a Belgian Ministry of Employment officer, they'll investigate the entire language training market!

In Belgium, those with qualifications really take themselves far too seriously. Authors can't write ordinary stories, they need something eye-catching to hide their appalling storylines, like whole paragraphs without punctuation. Some sponging art-bozo without a real job called Herman Brusselmans, for example, thinks so damn highly of himself that he seems to think he's a comic strip figure brought to life. I don't even know what the narcissistic little creep does. All I know is he has appalling taste in everything from haircuts to music, from sport to literature and he thinks he's always right. He can't even put a sentence together without looking in the mirror. Still, this is the same everywhere. You have a qualification, you're OK.

Oh yes, and if you're Flemish you're OK. In fact no matter how wrong you are, as long as you're Flemish you're right. Flemish with a qualification? Priceless.

SOLUTIONS:
a. Job applicants should be vetted according to ABILITY and willingness to WORK, not QUALIFICATIONS. Honestly, you'd have thought they'd have realised this by now, but when you pick up the job ads, you realise just why this country has 10% unemployed. Everyone is doing a job below their own qualifications. This is no joke, but in Belgium, you need a DEGREE in COMMUNICATION or PUBLIC RELATIONS to be a RECEPTIONIST in a small company. In Belgium, you need a DIPLOMA in LANDSCAPING to be a GARDENER. I am telling you the truth. No joke. I mean, at least you don't need any qualifications in catering to work in a bar, but very often, there are mind-boggling rules which make you sit up and stare ahead silently, thinking Kafkaesque thoughts.

b. Oh yes, and REMOVE THE POLITICIANS!

1.D. Paying for someone else's incompetence
As is tradition in Belgium, you have to pay a very high amount of tax. This is due to previous governments' decadence and pandering to the electorate through grandiose and benevolent schemes which were destined to fail. Many of these are still in place, relics from the Cold War, aggravating the annual budget, and feeding the workshy population. You think I'm making generalisations? I challenge you to go to any café on the Ring around Leuven and count the number of fruit machine gamblers, beer drinkers and barside preachers there are at any time of the day or night.

In Belgium, in order to alleviate the tax burden, your income tax, hospitalisation fund and social security are all separate. And everyone has to pay all three whether they like it or not. You can take them off your taxes, but not all. Let me give you an idea of the breathtaking futility and mind-boggling ridiculousness of a tax bill in Belgium:

As a freelance plumber, for example, let's take one from round here. He came to look at a blocked sink this time last year. His first visit was made driving a silver BMW (new). His second visit of twenty minutes, when he carried out the works, he was in his US-size megatruck totally decorated with his logo, details and activities in his chosen colours. Three weeks later, he arrived in a minivan decorated in his colours and a bill for 140 euro. For no more than 15 minutes' work and 5 minutes' chat. He poured some liquid down my drain, which did the trick for 2 days before it got blocked up once more and I had to pay him 140 euro. No wonder why freelancers are charged a scandalous amount of tax. They think we're ALL able to name our own prices!

Let me tell you about another person I know who was a freelance day centre "hostess" for children in Leuven. She opened up her house for about 6 children, let them play in her garden, made them lunch, assured them of toys and crayons (risking the re-decoration of her house), changed the younger ones' nappies and stayed imprisoned in her own house until the last parent came to take his/her child away. She received about 45 euro per week from each parent, meaning she got about 1000 a month. She had to pay 200 euro a month social security, 650 euro mortgage (still fairly cheap for Belgium), 100 euro electricity costs, and not forgetting water, TV/internet, local tax, hospitalisation fund, food, etc... Putting it another way, she had more outgoings than income so she now works for the local electricity distribution firm.

SOLUTIONS:
a) Reduce the costs for hiring people for a start.
b) Introduce a scheme making it more unattractive to stay at home and the money you save plough it into training job centre staff to find jobs for unemployed people.
c) Stop generalising that people with diplomas know better. Very often they don't - they just think they do because they can form any opinion they like now they have a qualification.
d)In a country where you are punished for working, I think it's only right that you REMOVE THE POLITICIANS!

2.A. Getting ground down in the system
Belgians will defend their own country's little backwardnesses to the last drop of energy. And they will legitimise it, find reasons for it, or flatly reject any alternative as being incompatible for Belgians. It wouldn't be so bad if there were only a couple of these little anomalies, but there are quite a lot, and the main retort you are likely to hear is: "if you don't like it, go somewhere else!"
Well "WE WOULD IF WE COULD!" is my reply, but often we are stranded here because of the jobs we do. There are many European HQs in Belgium, both political ones and enterprises. It would be madness to leave without an anchor in another country, so often people end up here for years. And years and years.

2.B. What effect has this had on the people?
You don't need to go far to experience this knock-on effect created by years and years of political compromise, sourced in the federalisation of the country, bottled by the unyielding politicians.
You will notice that Flemish people are different to French-speaking Walloons. For one thing, they speak a different language which the people like to call Dutch. Each side tries so hard to be Germanic-acting or Latin-acting, but they just can't do it, however hard they try.

A Flemish person, trying to act Germanic, will for example stand in a supermarket aisle waiting for you to move out of the way without saying anything. They think this is being patient like a German or a Brit. Actually it is mainly because they daren't speak to the person blocking the aisle. The Flemish in public really don't like contact with strangers and try to avoid conflict at all times, even this type of conflict.

A Flemish person, trying to act Germanic, will tell you those are the rules without question to be obeyed at all times without right of reply. Well, that's what they think Germanics do... For example, I was carrying some heavy luggage last week back from a business trip and wanted to get the bus home. When it came in, I decided to enter where the mothers do, with their baby carriers once the passengers had got off, so I didn't have to carry the two wheeliebags any further. I then went to the driver and showed him my bus pass. He was furious. That wasn't the way it had to be done! So in an act of sarcasm I got off the bus with my bags and came in the front entrance. "Is it OK now honey?" I said to him. This is one of many examples I have come across over the years where Flemish people want to act decisive and Germanic but they simply cannot.

An average Belgian, trying to be avant-garde, rebellious or anti-establishment (in the 1968 way) will find reasons to say slogans like "down with the monarchy" or "ransack the parliament", but they just have no idea why. They often want to do things against the state, but they really don't dare go too far. For example, the average Belgian will show his/her rebellious nature through:

• Crossing the road while the red light is still on (woah there, you'll get a reputation!)


• Cycling on the opposite side of the cycle path, or even more daring, cycling on the pavement


• Using English words or phrases when a Dutch one would do the job just as well


• Voting blank and telling everyone as though it was the most exciting thing you ever did (probably was...)


• Not using the indicator whilst driving (ooh, you daredevils!)


• Standing outside of the established queue in a shop (insurrection!)


• Putting their feet, still with shoes, or bags on opposite seats on public transport


• Going to live in another town


• Sitting in a first class carriage on a train with a second class ticket and then claiming they didn't see the huge "1" sign on the carriage door when the inspector comes (the worst kind of sponger)
  

They just can't do it. They don't have the willpower or the guts to do something truly outlandish. And if they do it is TRULY weird. Guess where the cream pie-thrower comes from who once got Bill Gates? Furthermore, you will rarely find a Belgian who wants to stand out from the crowd. Most Belgian public places are scenes of conventional clothes, hushed voices and underused smile muscles.

2.C. Being Germanic on public transport
This wish to try to be Germanic has also found a support base in public transport, where in the UK, Scandinavia and Germany one can find all sorts of stickers, signs and posters telling you what is and is not acceptable. "No smoking - penalty £40" for example, or this sign below from a German bus. It says plainly, "Don't make such a row with your own noise".

However in Belgian buses there is a horizontal poster no bigger than this one above which says "On which side are you?" And then it lists on one side the things you shouldn't do on a bus and on the other what you should so on a bus with an illustration in the middle. It is as big as this one above but with a whole load of guff on it that even patient readers with aircraft pilots' eyesight would find tough to read. Those with social problems need to have the rules laid out in front of them. What message are you sending out to people when even the bus company doesn't take it seriously? Furthermore, De Lijn, the Flemish bus company only brought out their "reizigerscode", or travellers' code in April 2007. Before then, anything was possible.

Germanic Ostriches

According to the book, if another passenger is getting on your nerves, you should firstly report it to the driver. So when there was a group of Neanderthals playing music through speakers on the bus, I told the driver. He replied, "what can I do about it? It's bothering nobody, is it? So I can't do anything until it does." I told him it was bothering me. The others were too cowardly to say anything. He told me to sit down. How, in the name of sanity, are you going to tell these "people" right from wrong if those in authority don't even want to deal with it?

2.D. Excuses as reasons?
A Belgian has an excuse for everything. The more you allow the average common or garden Belgian, the more liberties he/she will take. And they will try.

Never let a Belgian out of your sight for thirty seconds in these places:

• Shops where queuing is necessary. If you do, you may find that Belgian has found a shortcut to the front. And the excuse will be "I didn't notice you when I first came in". A good one is, "does it matter who is next?" Yeah, right... So remember, wherever there be a gap, the Belgian will fill it.


• In cafés or on trains alone. If you need to go to the toilet and you have nobody to look after your seat, put as much stuff on it as possible or you may find it taken when you come back. Excuses in this category range from "I saw this coat on the floor but I thought someone had gone off without taking their book with them" to "a person has to sit somewhere, eh?"


• Working on the commodities in your house. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER allow a Belgian into your home to fix the plumbing or the electricity. Firstly, it will take ages, be very costly and most importantly will need constant repair and maintenance. But secondly there will be forever interruptions. Belgians have habits of saying "I'm just off to get something for your radiator", and not reappearing for days. Excuses here could be, "they didn't have it in stock in the end so I ordered it and it only came yesterday but I've had the flu and my wife's got bronchitis, so I've been looking after her and then the holiday period started and blablabla..." or they could be, "it was fixed in the end, wasn't it?"


• Working on the street infrastructure. They have habits of going home for the weekend leaving paving stones where they were when they began the works, or leaving up diversion signs until someone realises that the works have actually finished. Last week they were working on the roads not far from my front door. They went home early on Friday leaving their no-entry barriers still in place and the buses had to continue on their diversion the whole weekend. Traffic on Monday morning was horrendous. Excuses here will be uninterpretable and generally menacing. This may include threatening to strike or not to connect your house/street properly to the infrastructure.


• Working in your office. Hiring Belgians is a serious threat to your business. For although I said earlier that there is little work going, those who have got it are seriously out to make sure they don't have their day disrupted by extra work. You see, this is why chocolate and beer are Belgium's greatest products. The average Belgian will go to hell and back naked to prepare for their free time and holidays, but woe betide anyone who puts a bit of hard work between them and a relaxing day at the office. Excuses in this category can be varied, but "I've still got to find a wallpaper for my desktop yet" is a popular excuse, as is "Can that wait until I've finished paying for this online concert ticket?" But the one heard the most is "Can a person not get any peace around here?" That covers all bases and people think you're REALLY busy, even when you're just reading the news!
  

2.E. Making sense of the more bizarre excuses
In Belgium, you will find people have:

a. No idea how to queue:

People walking into a shop, even a long, narrow one, will find ways of standing aloof so as to look like they're waiting - the problem is that the person serving does not keep an eye on the arrivals, so often these people get served first. When you try to say that you were in fact next, you are stared at by several others in the room who wonder how you dare to confront anyone in such an aggressive manner.

Getting on a train can be hell as many of the less cultured ones will barge in front, even trying to get on before the others have got off.

b. No idea how to start a conversation with a stranger:

You could stand at the same bus stop for years and years, and see the same people every day of your working life and still have never even exchanged looks.

There's a joke told by the expats in Brussels: what's the definition of eye contact on Belgian public transport? Answer: A married couple.

c. No sense of orientation on the pavements and also in buildings, lifts and cars:

Belgians spend most of their lives not only wondering why they exist, but also where they are. However one of the most infuriating aspects of not being a Belgian is having to accept their inability to walk in straight lines on pavements and their knack of blocking the pathways without realising it. On a recent trip to Saarbrücken, I came across a group of Belgians blocking the pathway in and out of Kaufhof. Telling them didn't help, they didn't understand what was wrong about standing there!

I once tried to move the moped of a teenager away from the enclosed area leading from the car park to the supermarket. I didn't notice he was behind me. He tried to hit me with his helmet and asked me why I was stealing his bike. When I pointed out that it was blocking the safe passage to the shop, he took a swing at me with his helmet. So I grabbed him and twisted him round in self defence, paying particular attention to his helmet hand. Along came some guy who told me to leave the kid alone.

Spatial awareness is a sign of empathy, understanding and community spirit. Which leads me on to section d...

d. No idea of charity or community spirit:

They don't tip for a start. They also don't thank people a lot for opening doors or giving passage in cars. But there is something darker here: charities are nuisances here who ambush you on pedestrian street crossroads or bombard your houses with adverts to send money. Nobody does any actual other charity work. In the seven years I have been here, not a single person has done anything sponsored.

In central Flanders there is the "Dodentocht", a yearly 24 hour walking event. People have to walk 100 kilometres in 24 hours in a circle. I know several people who did this. Now, in the UK or Poland for that matter people would use this opportunity to raise money for a local charity. When I asked one of my friends who was doing this what charity he was doing it for, he said "no charity - do you think I'm crazy?" Another one said "I'm doing it because you get free beer at the brewery". And yes, to answer your question, I really, sincerely do think you are crazy. Imagine walking 100 km and not bothering to collect cash for it!

2.F. However when there is a benevolent event:
A car-free day in Brussels is usually a sign that hypocrisy has finally reached new depths and the politicians think they should do something "green". But what if you need to take your spouse back to the airport? That was one thing a friend had to deal with. He walks to work every day, but uses his car only for travelling home to Germany or large assignments. Like collecting your wife and her things and putting her on a flight home to Berlin. So when he came out of his parking spot and reached the end of the street, he was mobbed by a group of part-time cyclists. You know, the type that has a car per family member, and thinks it's fun to get on a bike on car-free day.

Oh yes, and he lives in a flat below a woman who likes to vacuum her sofa in the middle of the night, have telephone arguments and walk around noisily in stiletto heels. But you see, nothing can be done by the police in Belgium, because she's not contravening the maximum decibels ruling. Quatsch!

3.A. Language and its uses
It is entirely possible that the Flemish have an exaggerated sense of importance of their language. And it is even more possible that the French-speaking Walloons are uninterested in learning their little lingo when they could be learning Spanish or English. The Flemish need to realise that even the Hollanders see the Flemish version of Dutch in the same way as the French look upon Créole. Get over it.

One little problem though: the Flemish think it's such a good idea to only allow people to join their civil service if they speak good enough Dutch and pass a language ability test. So what is happening in schools, colleges, universities and training facilities run by the Flemish government is that many Chinese, English, German and Spanish teaching jobs are going to Flemish people because the real native speakers have not mastered Dutch well enough. You need to pass a Dutch language test before you are allowed to work for them. OK, but what good is that to a Chinese teacher???

SOLUTION: The Flemish have a thing against the Walloons because they don't really try to learn Dutch, but they are missing the point. Nobody else does really, either. What use will Flemish Dutch be to anyone? I don't think the NATO translation unit will fall into chaos because nobody speaks it. So they need to be a little less exaggerative of people's needs to speak their rather sparsely used language.

3.B. Enjoying yourself the Belgian way

I remember the parties I used to organise in London and down in Kent. I would invite ten people and forty would show up. We had dancing on the tables; folk-style circles, lines and arches; we ran about in our underwear; we had midnight guitar sessions in the forest; we had blindfolded "guess the person" competitions, etc... Here in Belgium, I can't rustle up enough enthusiasm for a game of snooker once a month. I've been to "parties" where the host told me it was going to be a raucous affair with lots of drink and music, and we'd be finished at 5 and if you weren't tired yet we'd head off to the bar and blablabla... All lies. A Belgian "party" is as follows:

1. Come in, hand over bottles to fridgekeeper
2. Get a drink
3. Stand in the middle and choose which group of semi-hypnotised emoes you want to speak to
4. Notice how good the music is (usually unrecognisable café/lift stuff)
5. Stand there, wait for snacks to arrive
6. Pretend you're enjoying it
7. Talk about something intellectual or something totally meaningless like your shopping bill
8. After a few drinks, either go home or to a bar
9. Once out of the door, wonder who those people were
10. Go into a library to soak up a little more atmosphere
    

3.C. You will like what you are given
Go into any British or German supermarket and you will find four or five different sorts of everything to choose from. In a Belgian one you get what you are given. And if it goes off before you get home or it doesn't work properly, the following scenarios are possible:
"please fill in this forty page document and send it to this address. Oh hold on, your package has been opened. Sorry, that means you accepted this thing and it's not our responsibility any more. So go away please, I have to finish this crossword" or maybe, "I'll have to ask twenty other people and by the time I've finished you might be tired of waiting and have already lost the will to live."

3.D. What the Belgians do right
Not all of it is bad. Just what I listed above. Their TV is quite good (when it's on schedule - not the kind of country where a DVD recorder is of much use) and their food isn't bad (when served with a smile anyway). There is an expat joke: what's the best thing to come out of Belgium? Answer: The E40 motorway in either direction.

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I could go on, but I will stop here. I don't care what any Belgian thinks when reading this: I don't value their opinion very highly anyway. Not many Belgians have good judgement. In fact, ask directions to a group of them and they'd all have a different opinion of the way you should go, even to their own front door. One last thing: I often get told by Belgians: "if you don't like it, why don't you get out?" Well that is precisely what I'm going to do. So in the words of Filip De Winter, it's time for the three Bs: Bye Bye Belgium!