Hey everyone, get yourself a new car - you'll feel so much better! You can't afford it? No problem, we'll fix you up with our financial adviser who will talk of the various ways you can own your very own car without paying for it in one lump sum! The interest is higher than a bank account but it's lower than a mortgage and at the end we'll only make about 10% profit on you.
Or why don't you go on a holiday? Take yourself to Sicily, Barbados, Amsterdam or even Cannes for a couple of weeks. Go on - you can do it! Yes you can! Bah, don't worry about money - we'll sell you a deal unbeatable anywhere else! Too much time off in one go? Worry about that afterwards! What you need is a holiday, my friend!
Have you got the TV everyone else has? No? your model too old? Well then: come to our superstore and we'll sell you one that not only everyone else doesn't have, they won't have it for several years! And we'll make sure you've got TV in digital as well! Yes, digital TV is the future - no, it's the present too, and you should be in on it. If you're not, you must still be watching the pictures in analogue, and that's so nineties. We're all watching the TV on plasma these days, where you can watch the stars without pixels!
Have you got a supermarket fidelity card? If not, you may be missing out on deals you surely should be part of - you can get 10 cents off every bottle of ketchup you buy after your fourth purchase! You could be getting ads sent to you telling you about our deals year-round! You could be the winner of our fidelity card lottery! A winner every day! Umbrellas, toasters, freezer foods, ready-made meals, fizzy drinks and so much more to be won! We guarantee you'll be so much more contented with our bargains than any other superstore in the land! Collect our tokens to save up to 50 euro per year!
Is your house insured against fire? And theft, adverse weather conditions, children, bad workmanship or vandals? If not, call us to arrange a free estimation. We'll send along a highly qualified expert to tell you what could happen to you if you don't! We have all kinds of deals available to homeowners and renters alike and we guarantee money back if nothing happens to you! But we'll keep your place safe - we'll also advise you on how to reduce your insurance bills by purchasing alarms, roof protection, shutters and vandal-proof paint! We promise you'll feel the safest person in your neighbourhood!
Oh please, shut up!
Can I buy happiness? Nope. Can I buy health? No. As long as I've got a roof over my head and food on the table, none of the other stuff should matter.
Oh but it does. You wouldn't believe the amount of adult people I make contact with who are fascinated by all the latest technology, all the best deals and who religiously save up all the tokens for the supermarkets, even going to a different supermarket to get a cheaper deal on one item of food than another. I have contact with individuals who don't fail to tell me about where they bought their new suit, sunglasses or mobile phone. Does it really matter? I have one I like - is it important how much it cost and where it came from?
I'd rather have my happiness than a new gadget. But even then, I find it hard not to conform. I have a lot of bills each month, mainly household, but even then certain bills I get are rather useless, to say the least. But I have to pay them because we're all tricked into thinking that we need them.
Recently I've lambasted bad parenting, attacked public transport, gone crazy over bad mannered kids, so before you think I'm exaggerating by turning my anger on the consumer market, I'll shut up now and go and watch the US Grand Prix on my super-deluxe, home cinema complex with digital surround sound and a million colours.
I'm lying of course - it's a TV with a remote control. Do I need anything else to watch TV? You tell me!
Showing posts with label bills. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bills. Show all posts
Sunday, 17 June 2007
Monday, 7 May 2007
Do they think I'm rich?
This last quarter, I have been inundated with bills. Not any old bills for gas, electricity and the like - I can manage them. But bills whose legitimacy I wonder about. One is called a "schuldzaldoverzekering". Yes, blind me with science if you want, but what in the name of Wolfowitz is that? Apparently, I have to pay it to the bank as an insurance against the house I sold in December. It amounts to about 500 euro.
Along with that, I have been sent a bill to insure my house against fire and another against robbery. OK, I'll pay them even though I don't own the house where I live. I decided to sell and rent for a while until the right house came along, because the last one definitely wasn't. I had so many costs, mainly for renovation, that along with the bills it just got out of hand.
On top of those, which amount to about 170 euro, there is the social security, which I need to pay myself as a freelancer. This comes to approximately 600 euro, payable every quarter. So let's say 200 a month. However, as a freelancer, it means I can't claim unemployment benefit and my state pension is lower than others because according to the government I'm stinking rich and able to afford it.
Like my plumber. I had a blocked kitchen sink and after pouring every conceivable liquid into it, putting balls on string in there until there was a noise, all types of efforts, nothing surfaced, only the dirty water, which drained away almost glacially down the hole. He came, poured some of his own product (imported from Italy, priceless stuff apparently) into the pipe and sent me his bill of 145 euro for 15 minutes' chat and 3 minutes' work. Yes, this type of pricing is surely why the government thinks I can afford to contribute so heavily to the economy as well as sacrifice my pension to fill a hole in society so some workshy couch potato can put an extra bet on the horses and buy bottled Stella instead of canned.
So far, the amount has reached 1270 euro. Now we turn to the little matter of the insurance claim by the bus company, who thinks I owe them 245 euro worth of paint for an accident where a stick of about 50cm long and made of MDF was catapulted out of the container I was throwing stuff onto, hitting the... wait for it... WINDOW of the bus. If they had sent me a bill for broken glass, I would have paid immediately, but as it was for paint I've replied rather unrepentantly on a few occasions to their threatening literature. In a few days' time, apparently, I'm going to receive a court summons.
My household bills add up to about 1300 euro (rent, cable TV, Visa, energy), so that brings the total up to 2815 euro. And I'm supposed to pay to travel to work each day, buy lunch there, invest in clothes; oh yes, and buy food for the rest of the daily meals. So we're looking at a further 330 euro approximately. We've hit the three-thousand mark and gone above it and landed at 3145 euro.
Fortunately, I'm not tempted by the consumer ads which try to persuade me to buy any number of things which I might need one day, like electric blankets, garden gnomes, clocks which tell you the date, temperature and current weather conditions (look outside your window, stoopid!), Xboxes, MP3 players (burn them!) and sunglasses whose shades automatically darken when you turn into the sun. Because if I were, I'd be making plans to auction off this computer to subsidise my retail obsession.
Along with that, I have been sent a bill to insure my house against fire and another against robbery. OK, I'll pay them even though I don't own the house where I live. I decided to sell and rent for a while until the right house came along, because the last one definitely wasn't. I had so many costs, mainly for renovation, that along with the bills it just got out of hand.
On top of those, which amount to about 170 euro, there is the social security, which I need to pay myself as a freelancer. This comes to approximately 600 euro, payable every quarter. So let's say 200 a month. However, as a freelancer, it means I can't claim unemployment benefit and my state pension is lower than others because according to the government I'm stinking rich and able to afford it.
Like my plumber. I had a blocked kitchen sink and after pouring every conceivable liquid into it, putting balls on string in there until there was a noise, all types of efforts, nothing surfaced, only the dirty water, which drained away almost glacially down the hole. He came, poured some of his own product (imported from Italy, priceless stuff apparently) into the pipe and sent me his bill of 145 euro for 15 minutes' chat and 3 minutes' work. Yes, this type of pricing is surely why the government thinks I can afford to contribute so heavily to the economy as well as sacrifice my pension to fill a hole in society so some workshy couch potato can put an extra bet on the horses and buy bottled Stella instead of canned.
So far, the amount has reached 1270 euro. Now we turn to the little matter of the insurance claim by the bus company, who thinks I owe them 245 euro worth of paint for an accident where a stick of about 50cm long and made of MDF was catapulted out of the container I was throwing stuff onto, hitting the... wait for it... WINDOW of the bus. If they had sent me a bill for broken glass, I would have paid immediately, but as it was for paint I've replied rather unrepentantly on a few occasions to their threatening literature. In a few days' time, apparently, I'm going to receive a court summons.
My household bills add up to about 1300 euro (rent, cable TV, Visa, energy), so that brings the total up to 2815 euro. And I'm supposed to pay to travel to work each day, buy lunch there, invest in clothes; oh yes, and buy food for the rest of the daily meals. So we're looking at a further 330 euro approximately. We've hit the three-thousand mark and gone above it and landed at 3145 euro.
Fortunately, I'm not tempted by the consumer ads which try to persuade me to buy any number of things which I might need one day, like electric blankets, garden gnomes, clocks which tell you the date, temperature and current weather conditions (look outside your window, stoopid!), Xboxes, MP3 players (burn them!) and sunglasses whose shades automatically darken when you turn into the sun. Because if I were, I'd be making plans to auction off this computer to subsidise my retail obsession.
By the way, I received a tax bill of 5300 euro, because apparently I can afford it. So if any of you reading this who know me wonder why I haven't seen you for a while, it's because it's expensive when you're presumed to be rich...
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