This week, God finally died.

Once in a generation, there comes an event so horrifying, so mind-bendingly stomach-churning, that you hope it never reveals its ugly head on this earth again.

In the early and mid 20th century, we saw two world wars which thankfully are past us now and almost out of living memory. In the fifties, sixties and early seventies we had the haunting images of those vicious fights over Korea and Vietnam. In the early 21st century we watched in disgust as some monstrous fundamentalists used planes as their weapons to bring down two towers in New York. These five events were brought about by ideology. Although not all religious, ideology has been responsible for the five most unnecessary losses of life in one hundred years. World War 1 was responsible for between 15 and 25 million deaths, World War 2 for up to 70 million. Korea for about 3 million and Vietnam for up to 5 million. This is excluding the Russian Civil War (up to 8.5 million) from 1917 to 1924 and the Second Congolese War of 1998 to 2003 (5 million est).

Ideology, whether over ethnic superiority, political belief or religion, has been responsible for the deaths of over 120 million people in 100 years. The human being is the most destructive, most murderous animal alive. Fighting for ideology is futile in this world though, and always has been, although nobody has noticed it. There is another murderous force, so mighty, it can wipe us out in the space of seconds. It discriminates against no-one and never picks a target. We call it nature. Some call it God.

The search for God is useless because there can be no God. You cannot blame a war on a god, but if there were God, a natural disaster cannot be anyone else's fault but His. And what exactly have the Haitians done to deserve such a battering of these proportions? Haiti was a fairly peace-loving nation of individuals with a strong sense of community, recently tormented by hurricanes, floods and disease. Not to mention an angry run of dictators.

So after all that, why do they deserve such an earthquake which, if it had happened four hundred or more years ago would have been called divine retribution? What would an author of the Bible have made of it? What would God be divinely intervening in down there in Haiti? Why not London's banking zone or Seattle's Microsoft HQ? Surely they deserve it more...?

If there is a God, then "He" sure has some strange ideas about who should get payback. I mean, if God were around, wouldn't He have had a hit-list which would include:

Bankers
Landmine manufacturers
People traffickers
Oil profiteers
Extremists and fundamentalists
Greasy western and northern democratic leaders
Nasty eastern and southern despots?

And wouldn't He try to protect the harmless:

Pacific islanders from sinking
Caribbean islanders from being blasted by hurricanes
Equatorial dwellers from famine
Peasants from starvation
Victims from criminals
People affected by earthquakes?

So if anyone should ever wish to try to convert me to a monotheistic religion, especially one with an ideology that God will protect us, then they are wasting their time with me, because I cannot stomach such dangerous, unrealistic nonsense.

This week, if He ever existed in the first place, God finally died in the hearts of many decent, law-abiding people, in the minds of many charity donors and aid workers. For those poor inhabitants of Haiti, He obviously never wanted to be acknowledged in the first place, let alone worshiped. He has certainly never really been there for us, so why should people still continue this futile belief in Him?

Would the last one to leave the Church please put the lights out?

Barbecues in April

When I was a boy, we had four seasons: drizzly and windy spring, humid and breezy summer, precipitous and blustery autumn and a soaking, gusty, stormy, soggy winter. All right, it wasn't all wind and rain, but the weather was so much more difficult to predict. You could have a glorious summer morning outside your window, but the weather forecast would predict a cold front coming in. You knew that was the cue to take your raincoat with you even if the skies were clear overhead.

Last week a bank of wind and rain had just crossed the Atlantic. In the good old days we would have taken the plants inside and walked the dog before the change in the weather's mood. Nowadays, it's just impossible to read into the tea leaves of meteorology. It's in fact pointless. This wind and rain which was forecast swept in and by the time it reached Leuven it was just a paper-thin blanket of grey residue which would not even have filled the dancefloor at the Red and Blue club in Antwerp. As for the wind, I could breathe out more forcefully whilst yawning.

We haven't had a single drop of rain in Belgium this month and it's only a week until its conclusion. Anyone transported forward in time from 1980 would think it was high summer. This is how summers were for me. Not now. I sunbathed on my roof terrace in next to nothing on 13th April this year. I remember sitting in the evening on a café terrace with my colleagues in Brussels on 2nd February.

Now, you may think I'm building up to saying that this summer is going to be a roaster, but you would be wrong. I believe the earth is an intelligent multi-tasking planet with capabilities far beyond current human understanding. I in fact believe that Mother Earth has a built-in thermostat. She recompenses hot weather with cloud and periods of dull skies. Remember the baking hot summer of 2003? I do. I spent most of it in Rotselaar lake with just my head and hands out of the water holding a book wearing nothing more than a wide-brimmed hat. It was almost consistently 30 degrees from mid-June until mid-September. Unrepeatable weather. Since then our planet has tempered its displays of scorching hot sun with rather unpredictable phases of shadow.

I believe climate change is taking place, but not in the way predicted. It might get warmer, ice caps may melt, seas could rise and flooding is our possible destiny. However, I can't see how the earth would allow the sun to penetrate as much as the prophets of the apocalypse like to keep on reminding us day after day. I can see why they're doing it: they're not sure themselves, but it gets a little too much when we see TV serials about mega-hurricanes and storms the size of Europe. I think that the reason why the Americans have not yet entered into any serious discussion about climate change is either because they think it already too late so better just let it happen and deal with it as it occurs or because, as is my view, they understand that this planet will deal with it in its own way. I think the future is in fact global cooling, not warming, although for the time being it will keep getting hotter until the terrestrial thermostat is switched onto winter setting and barbecues in April will once again be a thing of the past. Indeed, July barbecues might end up being the luxury of Moroccans, Mexicans and Malaysians.

I can see the time when migration picks up further and people on an even greater scale start a mass exodus for Cordoba, Calabria and Corfu. I for one will be happy to play once more in the snow and find a use for my Crombie coats again.

Advantages of global warming:
Longer open-air concert seasons
Enormous strawberries
The British olive oil market will quadruple each year
Holidays at the Baltic will become fashionable
You won't have to go to Madagascar to see the meerkat: it'll be in Hampshire
Roadsigns will read, "Welcome to Kent, the Serengeti of England"
Outdoor snooker centres

Disadvantages of global warming:
Your washing will get eaten by gazelle and antelope
More Spanish tourists will venture northwards
The heating will still remain on in your office
The Rhine will become the widest motorway in Europe
No more skipping work because of snow

Aspects of global cooling:
No more sweaty stink emanating from the mound of gristle sitting next to you on the tram
The Winter Olympics can enter new territory
Christmas songs about Jack Frost, snow and sleighbells will have more relevance
Fruit flies in your kitchen will be obsolete