Barbecues in April

When I was a boy, we had four seasons: drizzly and windy spring, humid and breezy summer, precipitous and blustery autumn and a soaking, gusty, stormy, soggy winter. All right, it wasn't all wind and rain, but the weather was so much more difficult to predict. You could have a glorious summer morning outside your window, but the weather forecast would predict a cold front coming in. You knew that was the cue to take your raincoat with you even if the skies were clear overhead.

Last week a bank of wind and rain had just crossed the Atlantic. In the good old days we would have taken the plants inside and walked the dog before the change in the weather's mood. Nowadays, it's just impossible to read into the tea leaves of meteorology. It's in fact pointless. This wind and rain which was forecast swept in and by the time it reached Leuven it was just a paper-thin blanket of grey residue which would not even have filled the dancefloor at the Red and Blue club in Antwerp. As for the wind, I could breathe out more forcefully whilst yawning.

We haven't had a single drop of rain in Belgium this month and it's only a week until its conclusion. Anyone transported forward in time from 1980 would think it was high summer. This is how summers were for me. Not now. I sunbathed on my roof terrace in next to nothing on 13th April this year. I remember sitting in the evening on a café terrace with my colleagues in Brussels on 2nd February.

Now, you may think I'm building up to saying that this summer is going to be a roaster, but you would be wrong. I believe the earth is an intelligent multi-tasking planet with capabilities far beyond current human understanding. I in fact believe that Mother Earth has a built-in thermostat. She recompenses hot weather with cloud and periods of dull skies. Remember the baking hot summer of 2003? I do. I spent most of it in Rotselaar lake with just my head and hands out of the water holding a book wearing nothing more than a wide-brimmed hat. It was almost consistently 30 degrees from mid-June until mid-September. Unrepeatable weather. Since then our planet has tempered its displays of scorching hot sun with rather unpredictable phases of shadow.

I believe climate change is taking place, but not in the way predicted. It might get warmer, ice caps may melt, seas could rise and flooding is our possible destiny. However, I can't see how the earth would allow the sun to penetrate as much as the prophets of the apocalypse like to keep on reminding us day after day. I can see why they're doing it: they're not sure themselves, but it gets a little too much when we see TV serials about mega-hurricanes and storms the size of Europe. I think that the reason why the Americans have not yet entered into any serious discussion about climate change is either because they think it already too late so better just let it happen and deal with it as it occurs or because, as is my view, they understand that this planet will deal with it in its own way. I think the future is in fact global cooling, not warming, although for the time being it will keep getting hotter until the terrestrial thermostat is switched onto winter setting and barbecues in April will once again be a thing of the past. Indeed, July barbecues might end up being the luxury of Moroccans, Mexicans and Malaysians.

I can see the time when migration picks up further and people on an even greater scale start a mass exodus for Cordoba, Calabria and Corfu. I for one will be happy to play once more in the snow and find a use for my Crombie coats again.

Advantages of global warming:
Longer open-air concert seasons
Enormous strawberries
The British olive oil market will quadruple each year
Holidays at the Baltic will become fashionable
You won't have to go to Madagascar to see the meerkat: it'll be in Hampshire
Roadsigns will read, "Welcome to Kent, the Serengeti of England"
Outdoor snooker centres

Disadvantages of global warming:
Your washing will get eaten by gazelle and antelope
More Spanish tourists will venture northwards
The heating will still remain on in your office
The Rhine will become the widest motorway in Europe
No more skipping work because of snow

Aspects of global cooling:
No more sweaty stink emanating from the mound of gristle sitting next to you on the tram
The Winter Olympics can enter new territory
Christmas songs about Jack Frost, snow and sleighbells will have more relevance
Fruit flies in your kitchen will be obsolete