The trouble with smokers

I am a smoker. I don't smoke cigarettes - they're just chemical packages with fibreglass filters for that extra damaging affect. No, I smoke cigars but when working I smoke cigarillos as they're good for between meetings and lectures. I am also a social smoker. I like a good puff but I try to stand downwind outside so I don't blow any smoke into the faces of others. Inside I do my best to hold my cigar up in the air, which although it makes me look a little bit effeminate, at least means the trail of fog from the cigar doesn't end up in someone's face. And I never smoke if someone's eating, and God be my witness, never in the house of a non-smoker.

But it seems I'm rare.

Most smokers I come across have no sensitivity for passers-by, children, others in their vicinity or indeed where they do it: bus stops, entrances to buildings, dinner tables, etc. And you can find cigarette butts everywhere: pavements, gutters, floors, toilets, sometimes even dinnerplates and saucers. Those smokers are responsible for getting themselves banned from pubs, cafés and restaurants in Europe. They're the reason why smoking is top of the black list, even above noisy neighbours (more on them in a future article).

And I totally understand. I also hate it when someone smokes in my direction, despite being one myself. It is the attitude which bothers people, rather than the smoke itself. Before this article ends up being an apology for us smokers, there is another group of people that I totally despise, a group of people I can only term "health Nazis" due to their utter contempt for anyone who doesn't think exactly like them; one step up (or down if you like) from a health freak.

I am referring to the type of person who, despite standing downwind or out of pollution range, still insists on his/her vicinity to exclude the unholy sight of an object used for smoking. They make rude comments about smoking, or insult those they find don't adhere to their desire, no obligation, to breathe immaculate air. This is the same individual who is just a short migraine attack away from being a hypochondriac, a fitness freak, a season ticket holder to the doctor, a person who takes a day off work if they sneeze.

And worst of all, they usually keep the windows closed if there's a draft, even in August.

Last week I had the misfortune of experiencing one of these people. The lady in question was sitting in a smoking area of a café in Brussels. She insisted on waving her hand in front of her face, despite my smoke rising to the ventilator. Then she looked at me and in that dismissive way closed her eyes in my direction and turned disgustedly away to look out of the window with such a condescending smirk, I got the feeling she'd been practising. Don't forget, this is the type of boil-in-the-bag health Nazi who never tells you to your face, but makes it perfectly clear through hints, gesticulations and acts of desperation. When the magazine came out of her bag and she waved it about, a sure sign of aggression, I had had enough and felt the need to intervene.

I casually ambled over to her and asked her if there was a problem. Upon being told there was, and would I please not smoke, I referred her to the smoking zone signs. She said that it wasn't the point. What she didn't know was that I saw her arrive. I referred to the huge metal hulk of Japanese 4x4 Toyota Jeep People Carrying Petrol Consuming Off-Road Quango parked across the road.
"Is that your Jeep?" I asked.
"Yes," she replied.
"You drove it here?"
"Yes, why?"
"Because considering the smoke my little stick gives off compared to your 4x4, I don't think you have much of a case against me."

Three uses for a health Nazi:
Remove all their nerves and use them as fishing lines. With their levels of stress, their nerves must be really stiff.
Employ them at airports. They'll be just as effective as sniffer dogs but will be able to tell the handlers what substances the suspect is carrying.
If you're famous and unpopular, or a terrorist target, get them to open your mail. It'll show them what it really feels like to be close to death.
And how to get rid of them:
Buy all the health food shops and fitness centres, close them all down, and sell them on to developers with a clause in the contract which states, that under no circumstances, should they be reverted to what those buildings were before.
Bribe your local newspapers to print an article stating that smoking is now compulsory in all restaurants.